Mrs O'Poodles poodles & pedigrees

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
Received from Glen F Davis.

Dog Peeves About Humans...
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
WhooooHoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss
here!!!
You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY ......
Day number 180 ....
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181 .....
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182 .....
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. Bummer......
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY .....
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on
their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... hmmm ... not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. I can wait, it is only a matter of time .......

How to Clean your toilet:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
(author unknown)

Dear Fur-Children,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so that you are still in the way. Your brown eyes will not win you the best seat in the house. Just because I went to get a glass of water doesn't mean you
have next dibs on my seat.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake your claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
When I am working on the computer, jumping up and trying to grab the mouse is not helpful. Barking at me because I am not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
My compact discs and DVD's are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door she entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.
Much love to you my good buddy. It helps that you are a perfect listener
when it doesn't involve anything you have done. That you share your body
heat unconditionally. That you seem to have a permanent grin. That your
eyelids flap when you hang your head out the car window. That you have a
strength and endurance I can only envy. And that you have taught me that
there is a time to work a time to play and a time to rest. Dogs really are a
best friend, and I swear you understand every word I say.
Author Unknown

Premise:
What social life would be like if people behaved like dogs.
Opening scene:
A living room. Some of the guests have already arrived and are racing
around the room, variously hugging, colliding, dancing around each
other, patting one another vigorously on the shoulders and jumping up
and down. Another guest arrives at the door and rings the bell.
Everyone runs over to the door, evidently excited beyond belief, and
stands or jumps around, jostling each other while staring at the door
and yelling, "WHO'S THERE?!?! WHO'S THERE!?!?!" The guest on the other
side of the door yells back, "WHO'S THERE?!?!? WHO'S THERE!?!?"
Somehow, the new arrival enters and the party resumes as before. The
camera follows several of the guests around, including:
A muscular male dressed all in black who carries a Frisbee everywhere,
clutched tightly to his chest. If anyone touches the Frisbee, he whirls
abruptly around and stalks off, glaring over his shoulder.
Another man, dressed in plaid, rather jolly, who has a drooling problem.
Every so often he shakes his head and drool flies onto adjacent guests,
who don't even notice.
A depressed-looking woman who spends the entire evening methodically
ripping a large, stuffed chair to shreds.
A small group huddled together in a corner. They are all talking loudly
and at the same time about completely unrelated subjects.
A huge guy, with jeans jacket and tattoo, who goes up to various people,
drapes his arm over their shoulders and gives them a giant squeeze.
Whoever it is immediately hands their hors d'oeuvre to the guy, who eats it.
A very small old lady with frizzy hair who leaps out from behind the
furniture at passersby and speaks sharply to them. Even the huge guy is
daunted.
The party Lothario who sidles up to anyone, male or female, and tries to
smooch, but often misses the other person's face. Nobody seems to mind.
Various bits of action occur:
Someone emerges from the bathroom, and everyone rushes over and crowds
in to see what's happened. A guest, looking out the window, suddenly
gets very excited and yells, "A CAT!!! A CAT!!! A CAT!!!" Everyone
rushes to the window and joins in, yelling "A CAT!!! A CAT!!! A CAT!!!"
Two people - one big, one little - grab an appetizer at the same time.
They stand stock still, each holding on to it and staring out the corner
of their eyes at each other. Suddenly, the big one whirls around and
tries to walk off with it. The little person, however, doesn't let go
and is flung around in the first one's wake.
In the kitchen, several guests have knocked over the garbage and are
going through it. In the backyard, several people with little spades are
digging holes. One guest, with his hands full of food, simply holds onto
it and snarls at anyone who approaches him. He keeps trying to add more
food to his pile, spilling as much as he acquires.
Dinner is served:
Everyone races over to the table and there's a big to-do while the
seating arrangement is worked out. Then all the guests eat as fast as
they possibly can. Every so often, one guest simply grabs something off
the plate of the person next to him/her. Sometimes that person grabs it
back. When everyone's finished, they jump up and change places to
inspect each other's plates.
After dinner, everyone takes a nap. They are sprawled around the room,
some in little groups huddled together, some on their backs on couches
with their feet up on the arms and their hands flung over the back, some
curled up awkwardly in overstuffed chairs with their chins propped up on
the arms. Occasionally, we see limbs twitching and hear little contented
noises.
Party games:
Tug of war
How many tennis balls can you hold.
A relay race in the back yard where the baton is never passed off. Each
member of the team simply grabs hold when his or her turn arrives and
everyone runs together.
Tug of war
Singing together around the piano, but everyone sings a different song.
Tag
Grab the tail of the donkey.
Musical chairs, where shoving is allowed and you can sit on more than
one chair. The big guy in the jeans jacket always wins.
Good-byes:
A real dog party, of course, would never stop. So we have to introduce
another group of humans who gradually arrive to pick up the guests. This
is no easy task, as the target guest runs off when called. There's a lot
of milling around and loud confusion as the caretaker humans go after
the guests, sometimes grabbing them by the collar or the arm and hauling
them away while the guest looks back at the crowd, waving joyfully.
Outside, on the sidewalk, a passerby is knocked down by a group of
departing guests. Everyone looks very happy, and the good-byes are loud
and enthusiastic.
The End

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores,
get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy...
Get a CAT!

Winners of the "I look Like my Dog Contest"
Winner #1

Winner #2

Winner #3

Winner #4

Winner #5

Winner #6