Mrs O'Poodles Poodle Stories

Hazard The following are excerpts from the soon-to-be-released New York Times Bestsmeller "The Duh Chronicles," published by Naughty Industries and made possible by a grant from Bumble Bee Tuna:

Duh Caught Sniffing Tuna Fumes
By The Disassociated Press

JACKSON, Wyo. (DP) — Haz R. Duh, acclaimed star athlete, was arrested today and tried here before a Supreme Judge for thievery and SUI. After brief deliberations by a Supreme Judge and 12-person jury of peers, a still-drunken Duh was sentenced to one hour in isolation at the Game Creek Maximum Security Prison. After his release, Duh will be placed under constant probationary supervision for one year under the care of Head
Prison Warden Mel A. Knee. Knee's past record shows a tendency toward leniency with crafty skulldoggerers, so Duh's sentence appears to be rather light given the enormity of his crime.

The repeat offender was caught stealing tuna fish early Monday morning from a trash bag hanging on a kitchen doorknob in a home south of Jackson. Police discovered Duh staggering from the scene, drunk on tuna fumes. Police also found morsels of tuna stuck to Duh's nose when they stopped and searched his person. Investigators also were able to establish a motive. When interrogated, Duh immediately confessed, and eyed investigators contritely while he poured out his story in a series of heartfelt groans, rumbles and snuffles.

After undergoing sentencing in Jackson's Supreme Justice Court, Duh began to whine at the prospect of spending one whole hour in isolation and one year under constant supervision. Sources close to the Warden say Duh is already plotting his escape.

Fan mail can be sent to Duh through his fan club at MelaniesMutts@aol.com.

Multi-talented Sports Hero Enters Wrestling Arena and Claims Upset Victory
By Bailey M. Eehout
United Pooches International
JACKSON, Wyo. — (UPI) In an outstanding show of athletic finese, Haz R. Duh tried his hand today at a competitive event in yet another sport, and grabbed the World Wrestling Federation's championship title along with a coveted pair of stinky toenail clippers from opponent and longtime adversary Mel A. Knee.

Duh won the match toes-down, squashing Knee by a score of 25 to 3. Although Duh has shown amazing versatility in all areas of the sports arena, Knee at 375 pounds was the WWF favorite and the love child of the industry before being flatly pinned by the Lightweight 75-pound Duh. Before today, Knee held the Heavyweight Title for three consecutive years on the circuit. During her long reign, she won fans from all over. They adored her muscular, bold style and hard body, achieved through years of personal training, and they loved her clever wrestling moves - always relying on
strategy and smarts rather than her brute size. This has always been a winning combo. That is, until today's match. The match began with Knee on the offensive, circling Duh in hopes of pinning him swiftly and surely between her huge triceps and clipping away a
victory before Duh knew what hit him. Knee vied for position, aiming for Duh's front
legs, usually the easiest to grab and hold for the required 30 seconds needed to use her secret weapon. Dubbed TC by ardent fans, Knee's weapon of choice was a pair of toenail clippers awarded to the much-beloved Latin heavyweight Samba king Slobberabulous Lovearubulum in last year's famous Westminster championship match.
Lovearub, as he's affectionately refered to by fans, remains internationally known for his distinct style of competing, which involves a completely unexpected, one-of-a-kind Samba move that Lovearub does with his hips; soundly knocking an opponent on his back and setting the stage for the star's trademark "Love Pounce," whereby Lovearub pins an opponent, then drools all over his face until he cries Uncle.

Hoping for luck today from the magical pair of toenail clippers - which Lovearub had uslurped out from under his opponents nose - Knee crossed her fingers and sung along with a blaring CD as she employed several of Lovarub's trademark techniques in a nearly successful attempt to best Duh. In a stunningly clever move, Knee circled Duh while wiggling her hips in a Samba-like way that brought nostalgic tears to the eyes of judges and spectators.

But in less time than it took to grab a Kleenex, Knee stunned both the crowd and Duh.
She stuck out her tongue, sprayed Duh with drool, and ran for the hills. Confused but ready for anything, Duh leapt forward in hotpursuit of Knee and the coveted clippers. But before the heavyweight champ could turn and brace herself, Duh flung himself at his opponent, catching air in a desperate leap for victory and slamming Knee to the ground.

Duh's eyes shone with the feral light of victory as he pounced on top of Knee, gnawed on her triceps and made loud adolescent growling noises. Hoping to really throw her off-balance, Duh licked her toes and stole the toenail clippers, while Knee lay on her back giggling uncontrollably. Of the 25 attempts made, Knee was able to clip only 3 nails. After the match, fans named Duh Adolescent of the Year in a ticker tape parade held at the Triangle X Ranch. At the celebration, Knee recieved a consolation award for Persistence in the Face of Biting Odds.

Haz R. Duh Clinches Cactus Classic
Jackson, Wyo. (AP) — In the final round of Jackson Hole's Cactus Classic, favored contender Haz R. Duh stunned spectators when he made a well-executed dash for the thorny trophy and literally stole the title out from under the nose of his fiercest competitor, Mel A. Knee. Duh said he expected to steal the title from the very beginning, given Knee's slow reaction time and inferior human eyesight. "She never had a chance," he said, wiping a bit of drool from his lips as he munched on the remains of the cactus trophy.

The four-day competition, held under cloudy skis in chilly Jackson Hole, Wyo., began with a nonchalantly executed window-dash initiated by Duh, who is renowned for his speed and quick-thinking. During the first round, Duh saw his chance when Knee unwittingly dropped her guard while making a brief trip to the refrigerator.
Within seconds Duh slid over to a suspicious-looking window and spotted
his small, spiky prize, perched on the sill. Before Knee had even reached the fridge, Duh grabbed his quarry and was off in a graceful dash, heading for carpeted winners' circle.

The following three rounds saw swift wins for Duh, who drew cheers and barks from spectators. The win marks the first time a standard poodle has soundly beaten and repeatedly outwitted a human in four consecutive rounds.

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UPDATE ON BAILEY

Dear Mrs. O'Poodles,
Bailey is 16 ½ weeks old and weighs…. 8 pounds! Oh my God! He got his final shots on Friday and did fine except for a few yelps. I am going to take him outside tomorrow for the first time if the weather is good. Yeah!
Bailey with all his toys
Since Bailey is now so mature (yeah, right) he can sit still for a total of 1.3 seconds, allowing me to take some photographs. So here they are! There is one of him with his pile of toys. That would be blue bone, pink bunnyrabbit, lobster, Mr. Alien, pink ball, noisy ball, big rope, small rope, noisy ring, chew bone and white bear. His favorite all time toy is pink bunnyrabbit and he shows me how much he loves her by pulling her cottony guts out little by little every day. Cute. We play catch with pink ball (his second favorite), soccer with noisy ball, and we always fall asleep with pink bunnyrabbit, blue bone, and Mr. Alien.
Bailey loves socks!
The next picture is Bailey’s new obsession- my feet. Actually, my socks. As you can see in this picture Bailey is showered with toys from all walks of life, but prefers my smelly socks instead. What is a mother to do! One day Bailey discovered my sock drawer and in under three minutes had all my socks strewn over the entire apartment. He was so proud of himself! I, on the other hand, had to spend three hours trying to get them back together into appropriate matches. Whoopee! But really, look at those legs on him! Aren’t they gorgeous? I think Bailey and I are going to be in competition during the summer when I wear shorts to see who has the best legs.

The final picture is of Bailey sitting quietly and he is just soooooo cute! As you can see, his nose hasn’t entirely changed color yet. It is sort of a pinkish brown spotted nose. Very unique and highly valued on the nose market. He does look a little Rastafarian here, but he will get a bath soon. It is very cold here so I want to make sure that he is warm, healthy and relaxed when he gets him first bath with me. Which reminds me, a lot of my friends say that white miniatures are very rare. Is that true? I can’t believe it is- but I just wanted to check it out.
Join Bailey Fan Club NOW!
I went to the website and saw Bailey on the front page. Thank you! He is famous already! Don’t worry, I will be sure to make sure it goes to his head. You have so many new puppies and they are soooo cute. It is tooooooo tempting. I just want to gobble them up.

So let’s see, what else is happening in the life of Bailey? Well, he has managed to give Cookie an ear infection from pulling her around by her ears so much. He loves Cookie’s ears and tail. I finally had to cut all the hair off her tail- but that didn’t work very well. Poor Cookie. She is very tolerant. Bailey just walks right up to her and grabs tail or ear and starts walking away. I think he forgets that she is alive, and not stuffed. She has no strength next to him and so pleads with her eyes for me to get him to stop. In the kitchen it is even more hilarious because there is tile and no carpet and she can’t grasp anything. So he pulls really fast. Zoom! She just sits down, lets him pull her around backward and waits until he gets bored. Oh, I just laugh until I cry when he does that.

I really have to start training him soon so he and I can communicate better. Sometimes he has no clue what I am saying and does silly things like step backwards into a pile of poop and then jumps around thinking he has done something wonderful. And I just wanted him to come to me! Ugh.

Now, when he plays catch he has decided to create his own obstacle course- in his head. Ahhhh… what can I say- he is comedic genius. I throw the ball and he starts running and then all of a sudden there is an invisible bar, which he LEAPS over, and then another one. Then he stops and starts crawling into an imaginary hole on his stomach until he reaches his intended prey (pink ball) and starts returning it to mommy running, thrashing and throwing it up against the wall to make sure it is truly dead. Of course, he has to show Cookie how manly he is so he runs to show her first. Very creative. Each course is different so I never know what he is going to do. Do you think he is trying to tell me something?

His newest trick, which he is a long way from mastering, is carrying two items in his mouth at the same time while running at full speed. I keep telling him he needs to wait until he is a little older, but he never, ever listens. Mostly he likes to try pink bunnyrabbit and pink ball together. But pink bunnyrabbit drags under his feet and he trips over her, does a summersault and lands on his face. He keeps trying though. Sometimes he takes his puppy pee pads and pink bunny rabbit together. Now, this is a truly amazing trick because in order to run full speed he must actually leap high in the air, then pull the long pee pad and bunnyrabbit out from under him, land, run and leap again. Usually he throws in a least two or three summersaults in every direction, (the sideways roll and back flip he is particularly excellent at), which he assures me are part of the original act. Right. But you can’t blame a boy for trying.

He is also entering the kissiest dog of the year contest and training like a maniac at home. I have just decided to stop washing my face because I get a Bailey special at least three times a day! What a doll! I could probably write a book on the antics of Bailey.

Anyway, enjoy the pics and let me know what you think. If you want to you can put them on the website (just let me know so I can start a fan club in time). I hope you are well and have a super holiday!
Carolyn